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March 2021
Note to self with/Jennifer Pauline
Image: Me at my first ever personal photoshoot in February 2021. Stepping outside of my comfort zone and updating my brand imagery.
When thinking of a topic for March, I started reflecting on my personal journey of self-love. Filled with ebbs and flows, I’ve been on a rocky path that’s included more self-loathing than self-loving (though hard to admit).
As I’ve evolved into the 34-year old woman I am today, it’s the quiet moments of stillness and reflection that have helped me recognize my unhealthy patterns.
I used to (and sometimes still do) greet every opportunity to expand or claim my bigness with “I’m a background person.” I would choose to allow myself and others feel more comfortable, even if it meant shrinking my voice and my vision. The day that I started accepting all of me, even if it made myself and others uncomfortable, was the day I found true self-love.
In this month’s newsletter, I share a note I wrote five months into the pandemic about staying small, the ultimate act of betrayal towards self-love.
August 24, 2020
As I was watching Steven Furtik’s sermon Take The Lid Off A Little, I started thinking about all the times I wanted to stay small. ‘Oh no, I’m just a background person’ I would say, as I went on to host and produce dinners, experiences and build communities around the world. ‘I’m not interested in being seen, I only want to be felt’ I would say, as I shrank myself in hopes of becoming invisible.
The funny thing was, I built an entire brand that required me to be at the forefront as moderator and host (Fashion for Breakfast LA), but in my mind it was about the guest, not me, about the answers, not the questions.
But, as I enter this new season of my life and question everything: my core values, visibility and vision, I started to wonder why do I want to remain small?
While I’m a strong believer that it doesn’t have to be a big thing to be an important thing, I also feel deeply that if you want to change anything, you have to stand up, speak up and act up.
So, what am I afraid of?
The opinions, the judgement, the failure? Yes, of course.
But what I’ve come to realize I’m most afraid of is being seen and ultimately being rejected.
What are you afraid of?
With love and gratitude,
Jennifer Pauline
Morning routine with/Sade Monroe
The Los Angeles based owner of Space Blooms, a floral company rooted in culture and inspired by modern day muses, shares her morning routine.
My mornings are sacred to me. I like to be intentional with the first few hours of my day because it really sets the tone for whether the day will feel balanced, productive, hectic, or cray cray. I've also taken a liking to calling my mornings "slow mornings," no longer rushing through the motions but taking time to savour and enjoy.
The very first thing I do when my alarm goes off at 4:30am is silently state 3 things I'm grateful for. My #1 thing is always having movement in my body, because I wasn't always blessed to have that. Saying these things always provides perspective for me, I name everything no matter how big or small.
Next, I complete a quick skin care routine and brush my teeth before heading to the Flower Market. The DTLA Flower Market is my place of solace. I love visiting wholesalers and deepening those relationships, seeing what blooms are in season, and coming up with new ideas for clients.
By 6:45am, I am back home and go into the self-care portion of my morning. This is usually when I start blasting my favorite trap and female rap music and get dressed for the day. I currently work from home but still get dressed every single day. Even if it is just a lash and dressing from the waist up, it helps me feel better prepared for the day. When I'm cute, my work is cute! I also have a 10-year old daughter (who is going on 45.) I'll occasionally check in on her routine (which includes blasting Hamilton, while I'm blasting Gucci Mane), do her hair, and make sure she's set for the day.
To end my morning routine, I reset my workspace, by burning incense and a candle. I make a matcha latte and breakfast, then pull out one of my vintage black books and read for 20 minutes. I do all of this before even glancing at a work email. I'm finding comfort in serving myself before serving others. Love this quiet moment, it's so simple but feels incredibly luxurious.
By 8:30am, I'm logged in and ready to conquer the hotel world! I turn on my favorite podcasts and get to work.
Self-love with/ali heiss
The Los Angeles based co-founder of thoughtfully designed jewelry brands Amarilo and Haati Chai, shares her journey of self-love.
It kind of feels like self-love is always a fleeting thought, until one day it smacks you in the face and tells you to get your shit together. At least, that’s how it was for me. I never prioritized it because I didn’t understand it. I’ve heard, “the greatest act of rebellion is loving yourself” and doing so through practice is a lifelong commitment of constantly learning and unlearning with kindness.
My self-love journey has just begun, and unlearning self-hatred has been the first step. Self-hate is all around us, it’s comparing ourselves to others, it’s spending time with the wrong people or platforms, it’s obsessing over perfectionism over human acceptance, and prioritizing toxic relationships with others over the relationship you have with yourself. In this day and age, life as we know it does not advocate self love, but rather its own agenda. While things and stuff are prioritized, self-love is forgotten.
I’ve experienced small aha moments of self-love through the form of self-care in my life, but the noticeable changing point for me was an onslaught of burnout, anxiety, and depression. By constantly questioning my reality and existence, the state of self-doubt and second guessing became a comfortable, yet perpetual hell. Self-hatred feeds on keeping you small, a whisper of who you are meant to be. Self-love isn’t something taught, it’s learned and practiced everyday. It’s an incredibly messy journey with no end goal. It grows with you.
A quick background on me, I am a Korean adoptee. I never really thought about what that meant. I never thought that the nagging insecurities in the back on my head stemmed from identity confusion, but I proudly stifled it. I do love my family and being adopted, but it wasn’t until later I realized removing my background completely from myself was entirely self sabotaging.
Self-love was valuing my mental health and my personal journey. I don’t believe I’m capable of fully loving others until I fully understand love for myself.
In my future, I will love people with as full of a heart as I love myself. I have been practicing self-love aggressively in the past five years by diving into my identity and my adoption background. Learning about my family and my birth family, meeting my birth mother, my siblings, and learning Korean culture for me is just the start of me piecing my story together with the grace of love. By embracing my entire background, I embrace myself.
Self-love comes in simple and complex forms, such as learning to say no, enjoying silence, practicing or learning a hobby, becoming a mother, trusting intuition, being kind to yourself, being taught through grief, being alone, and loving your physical body to name a few. Self-love is not prioritizing perfectionism, but prioritizing humanizing yourself, accepting all aspects of yourself, valuing your mental health, and doing something as simple as treating yourself as you would a friend.
Self-love in itself is not just an act of defiance, but the building blocks to resistance of self-hate, and building a better me. So next time someone says I’m selfish, I’ll say thanks.
ON THE PATH
Nourishment for your daily, weekly and monthly journey. Here’s what we’re eating, reading, watching and listening to.
EATING
Kale, ginger, lemon, apple, cucumber, celery plus water and into a blender, then strained for a lightly sweetened green juice.
Bala Chai with almond mylk
Sautéed cabbage with turkey sausage and cornbread, inspired by Ashley Johnson
READING
The Dispossession of André Leon Talley The New York Times
Samira Nasr, a fashion first at Harper’s Bazaar The Washington Post
Why creative blocks are so damaging Fast Company
WATCHING
Supervillain: The Making of Tekashi 6ix9ine a jaw-dropping docuseries on becoming an internet troll and real life snitch Showtime
Biggie: I Got a Story to Tell is the untold story we wanted to see Netflix
Snowfall FX
LISTENING TO
What You Call Small Elevation with Steven Furtik (wherever you listen to podcasts)
Natalie MacNeil: Your Life Is Speaking to You Redefining Wealth with Patrice Washington (wherever you listen to podcasts)
Canva: Melanie Perkins How I Built This With Guy Raz (wherever you listen to podcasts)
Womxn in charge with/ Daisah riley
The Dallas based creative strategist, seminary student, and all around multi-hyphenate curated our March Womxn In Charge playlist. Daisah is the founder of Hustle & Soul, a brand with the ultimate goal of curating safe spaces and experiences aimed at celebrating the duality of Black women.